Healing, Humanity, My Journey, Spirituality

Find My Light Within

I am often touched by people’s pain. I feel this is a very good thing because it reminds me that others feel vulnerable too. And I’ve had the bad habit of taking on the pain I feel from someone else sometimes.  Especially if I care about them or have some stake in their happiness. 

Because of the work I do, if I wake in the morning feeling depressed, anxious or burdened, I check to see if the feelings I’m having are really my own. My mind will always tell me it’s about me and give me all sorts of perfectly possible reasons why I might be feeling scared. Often feeling scared IS my true feeling, but not because of circumstances. It’s because I’ve taken in someone else’s pain in an attempt to help them feel better, so I feel safer.

Only problem is, it doesn’t actually benefit them or me at all.  

The habit was established in my very early childhood.  At 65, after 25 years of training myself to hold compassion for people without trying to modify them, I’m still finding lost, scared little infant parts of myself heroically trying to help other people feel better by absorbing their negative emotional state.  

I don’t do this nearly as much as I used to, but after a week where I spent 12 hours of visiting my Mom in her utter helplessness, I’ve been given the opportunity to embrace more of these little lost parts of myself. He’s not wrong or bad for reacting the way he does. As an infant it was all he could do that actually seemed to make a difference in how safe he felt. Temporarily. Since he lived only in the present, that reaction became a habit. It didn’t matter to him that he gradually began to feel worse more of the time.

Turns out, taking in someone’s else’s pain only dims my inner light. It doesn’t enhance their light.  It doesn’t help them find their light.  

The way I understand it now, my light comes from taking in other’s light, but only the frequencies of their light that actually nourish and build my light. My spiritual energy body already automatically operates this way, filtering the energy from every other being through a receptor just for them in my “Soul Membrane” (the edge of my energy structure.) Then there is a sampling circuit that instantaneously introduces “outsider” light to my inner self-light and says “YES!” to the frequencies that build my light. This process could be thought of as spiritual digestion I guess. When I am connecting to other beings of light this way, my light increases, making more of it available to anyone who might benefit from it.

Taking in someone’s pain and suffering only temporarily reduces the pain they are feeling and over time increases the backlog of unprocessed pain in both people. It may come from sympathy but, in my experience, it’s always to help me feel better in the moment. When I unconsciously do this at this stage of my life, I feel much worse in my own body almost immediately.

The soothing, invigorating, boundless Light of Love I’m looking for is already within every cell of my body thanks to the amazing tiny bacteria known as mitochondria that metabolize carbon compounds. The light they release shines brighter than the surface of the Sun. It’s in the center of my soul where the perfect frequencies of light from all beings combust into my unique pattern which radiates out to the far corners of the universe and beyond.

So when I get up feeling awful, if I find I’ve taken in someone’s pain, I identify where I have stored it and I give it back to them. It is, after all, their process of embracing their shadow to find the gifts in it and not mine to take on or try to change for them. 

Then I welcome the energy of the little infant self that unconsciously absorbed the other person’s darkness… I let him know he’s brilliant and precious and that he no longer needs to hold someone else’s “bad” to feel safe. I show him the huge beautiful light, love and warmth inside and give him a huge hug. Finally I celebrate having released more of the shadow of taking on problems that are not mine and bask in the resultant confidence and trust I’ve given myself.